Bored again. This time of year puts me in a bad mood. Things feel off and I get antsy. This is about the time I quit my last job two years ago. My mind is just full of ideas of things to do. Teach writing at the homeless shelter, host a story slam in our city, start a podcast, roast and sell fair trade coffee, and by the end of the day, I'll probably have a list of five other ideas. Desperate. Pathetic. Incapable. Yesterday I was ready to just stand up and walk out even though this is the best place I've ever worked. The people here are kind, genuine, smart, considerate and the organization is run extremely well. So what the heck is my problem?! I'm also just really tired of people making fun of my job hopping. I better stay. Stay strong, stay positive, stay put.

One week (like last week), everything feels great. I feel calm, stable, and comfortable at work. The next week (like this week), I feel anxious, uncomfortable, and angry. Hmmm...maybe this is PMS. Of course, I'm sure that contributes to this yucky feeling. My bro is getting married. It feels quite bittersweet because on one hand, he is happy. He looks just overjoyed in all the pictures and has such a great group of friends. On the other hand, it has become patently clear that he is not really a part of our lives anymore. He has moved on and has another family, which he actually calls his family. I know he was bullied a lot as a kid. I feel so sad about that and really regret that I didn't know anything about it. I regret it a lot. It weighs very heavy. His wedding is just bringing up a lot of crap that I don't really want to deal with right now. It makes me want to go get a coffee and a pastry and just eat and drink.

It's Monday and I'm not ready to curl up under my desk and wave a white flag to the work week. I think it has to do with the fact that I've been walking during my lunch breaks. For the past few months, I haven't even been taking breaks, much less walking. I think it has made a world of difference. I even went walking/jogging this morning before coming in to work. What a difference exercise makes! I don't feel depressed, anxious, attacked, etc. Instead, I feel happy, sociable, more confident, and optimistic.

I also have to add that writing down my thoughts in this blog has been very helpful. Being able to process through the written word is so helpful and cathartic. Patting myself on the back for making it 86 weeks. I've got exactly 18 weeks to make it to the two-year mark. The path to three years at one place is looking good at the moment.    

Last night I was thinking about how I'm not learning anything new in my job. It's something that I end up feeling at every job. This is a slippery slope that always leads me down the path of finding another job. I don't deny that these are the entitled thoughts of a spoiled person. Nevertheless, that is how I think.

Last night the thought also dawned on me that while I don't think I'm learning any new skills or gaining any new knowledge at my job, just the process of staying at a job for a long period of time can be, in itself, a worthy goal that leads to many lessons learned. These are character building lessons that can help me develop patience, commitment, dedication, loyalty, humility, deeper relationships, etc.

The very act of getting up every day and going to the same desk, seeing the same people, doing the same things, going through the same routine is just part of growing up and I've been fighting it for the past 10 years. I've bought into this idea that the world owes me adventure, learning opportunities, excitement, praise, love, belonging. Shocker, since I think I'm owed, I passively wait to receive these things. Truly, the real skills that I need to start developing are character based and not the kind that I can list on a resume.      

Mondays are always so difficult. Does anyone like Mondays? It seems stupid to complain sometimes especially when you hear about people who are in deep poverty, who are homeless, who have children and are struggling to feed them. I must be insane to complain. I'm going to try and change my focus every time I feel threatened or hurt or disrespected. I need to retrain my brain from focusing on the negative, to focusing on the positive or even to just the neutral. Today, anytime I feel hurt or insecure I will think about the book I'm reading, And Then There Were None by the ingenious Agatha Christie. I will also go for a long 30-minute walk today. Maybe that will change my foul Monday mood and then I can repeat this system tomorrow.

Update: The walk was so helpful and I plan on doing it again on Tuesday.

I've been job hopping my whole decade-long career. One time I actually stayed at a place for more than three years but even that involved me changing jobs within the agency mid-way through that time. I'm now 35 years old, soon to be 36, and I am desperate to stay at my current job. I want to lay down some roots, I want to be loyal to my co-workers, I want to show that I can stay put like a real grown-up does.

I'm hoping this blog helps me work through my issues and serve as a healthy form of self-talk, getting me out of my negative thinking patterns and into some new, more encouraging ones. I'll start by identifying one main goal for today, August 18th: talk to a co-worker for a total of at least 15 minutes.

I find that when I feel disconnected from others, I feel resentful, bitter, threatened, jealous. Gosh. The list goes on. So, if I could just spend some time with others for at least some significant period of time maybe I won't feel all the great emotions that come with being isolated and lonely.

A co-worker just walked in. She wanted to know if she should join the professional group that I am a part of. Initial reaction: "No! That's my group, those are my people." The kind and loving reaction would be, "Oh yes, what a great idea, it would be lovely to have you." Having an abundance mentality would really be helpful. Why am I so threatened?! How can I gain more confidence and stick with this job? I don't know but I aim to discover how.

Today, we embark on the path toward longevity and staying put for three years.